Its Tough at the Top by Silky Von Dwight

As clichés go this was the biggest one of the lot. ‘A top of the table clash’, ‘Crunch time’, ‘The decider’ and of course not forgetting ‘A four pointer’. Upon arrival at the club at 11:45 I noticed most of the team had arrived on time as agreed and it was clear that this was not going to be a day for tardiness or lame excuses. The Dr arrived at 11:55 claiming his dog had eaten his homework but this was soon forgotten as we departed on time at 12 o’clock.

I took my place at the back of the bus when I noticed heads turning to catch sight of the ‘face’ that is Alex Eleftheriou. He was followed by younger brother and entrepreneur Stelios who was for the first time ever on a coach trip in ‘Civvies’ and without pasta. His lack of food was no problem as Jim ‘Come on’ Cruddace carried on free trade bananas and a well known brand of breakfast bar. The irony of banana skins strewn across the coach as we disembarked was lost on many and what cruel fate it was that this should be the day we were to slip up.

After what must have been a good hour of me shaking my head watching the forwards attempt drop goals (it’s usually the other way around) and doing various walks around the pitch pretending to look knowledgeable, we started to get ready.

Team talks this week had to be spot on after players were badly dented after skipper Rob ‘Win at all costs’ Wynne had told them the week previously that he had ‘No confidence’. He did not make the same mistake this week (until mid way through the second half - later!)

Wynne’s words were lost on Woodford though as Tring opened an early lead after 2 unanswered tries and Woodford were not able to establish any rhythm. Some unconfirmed reports suggested that Baden Clegg, devoted coach, kit supervisor and self proclaimed loose canon had paced the touchline so much that he needed help out of what can only be described as a trench.

Half Time

Hopes that Tring had run away as the half time whistle went were dashed as we quickly realised they were returning to the dressing room. Woodford started the second half with much more tenacity and when we got a lineout 5 metres from the line you could almost see the tears in Woodford’s second top try scorer’s eyes. And so, as it was written in the sands of time, Joe ‘Stop telling me what to do’ Green scored from the ensuing lineout despite Ben Bevan’s best attempts to stop him.

Tring answered with a try almost from the kick off which was another set back for Woodford who had just appeared to find their feet. Woodford scored again though after Dwight fielded a misjudged kick (and a barrage of abuse from the Tring faithful) before sending the ball on a passing movement culminating in Birthday Boy and colourful pant wearing Roderick McMoody who I learned after had finished very well. My attention had already turned to the Tring touchline where I was making idle threats and strange sign language much to the delight of their fans.

Wynne then tried stirring his troops with rousing words only to make an abhorrent comment that mustn’t be repeated which left the forwards stunned and children on the touchline running for their parents. For the record Woodford does have a child protection policy.

Eacott then took us to within 2 points with a resounding thud before the tide turned once again and Tring scored a further try and penalty after Dan Marino was caught flat footed by a ‘killer play’ from the Tring quarterback. And that was that…..

We retired to the bar where the spoils where shared in the boat race after 2 epic battles. Pete Christey came out of retirement to set the Woodford team afloat. Afterwards he commented, “I thought I did OK”. 45 minutes and a bottle of wine later we arrived back at the club. The singing was disappointing but then so had been the day.

Several pints of Guinness later and I could barely see and declared I was off home to get changed and go ahhhht. I have a recollection of turning round in the cab to ask everyone a question only to realise I was the only one in the cab. I asked the cab driver where he was taking me - he replied Wanstead, I was going home. My final disappointment came when I awoke to find myself asleep outside my front door with my flat mate standing over me laughing and taking pictures. I had apparently left my keys at the club. Still next weeks a week off so I imagine it will be a quiet one………..